Guys, are you tired of being rejected by women after the first date? Are your advances getting shot down with every girl you meet? Are your smooth moves getting you nowhere with the ladies? Are you screaming for help, tired to death of sausage fests every weekend? Read on, you bunch of sad, sad losers!

1) Tattoo her name on your forearm the night before the date. If you really want to make her remember you, then have her name inked in a noticeable place before getting to know one another. It shows that you aren’t afraid of commitment, and that you’ve got the balls to love! Patricia, Stacy, Morgan, Holly, Jennifer: they’ll look wicked rad on your bicep, forearm, or even forehead!

2) Address your date only by “Milady.” The Italians may get the award for Sexiest Language, but nothing beats old-school English. Let her know that you think she’s noble (i.e. hot to trot) with a moniker that’s sure to get her knickers warm!

3) Three puppies, three kittens, and one baby duck. Screw chocolates, roses, and a Hallmark card. Instead, show up with a slew of cute-n-cuddly baby animals! It’ll show off your gentle side, as well as letting her know that you don’t mind going the extra mile to please. Better yet, bottle-feed a few of the critters in front of your date, and you’ll be set for success!

4) Shave her legs. For girls, this is one of the most frustrating chores. Practice on yourself for a few hours, and then after supper offer her coffee back at your place. When she’s least expecting it, lather her legs up and shave away! It’ll be the time of her life!

5) Take her out on a two-seater bicycle. Sure, in the seventies every available girl in America expected to be picked up promptly at seven in a Firebird, Mustang, Camaro or a Corvette, but things have changed: green is now the new sexy, and gas guzzling hotrods are out. Woo her with a bicycle, and show off your love for mother earth. And if you really want to impress, offer to take her to a restaurant all the way across town; the dripping sweat will make you look dripping hot!

6) Grow a massive beard. Most women love outdoor types. Even if you’re afraid of campfires and mosquitoes, you can make up for it with a raging beard! Complete the look with flannel, denim overalls, and a full-sized axe! You’ll be manlier than the guy on Bounty paper towels!

7) Tattoo her mother’s name on your other arm. It’s a fact that women are way into men who develop a healthy relationship with a their moms. Send your date the message that you not only dig her, but her hot mom too with a tattoo of each of their names! Classy!

8) Adopt a kid (or at least borrow one). This is pretty self-explanatory: girls get all hot and bothered for men who are both manly and sensitive. What better way to say “I’m friggin sensitive!” than by getting a kid. Bring Junior along for the date, and change his diaper right there on the table. She’s sure to swoon! And if you didn’t find anything here that works: Dating can be hard -- not just hard, but grueling. There are so many factors to consider: where to meet someone, how to strike up a conversation, the awkward asking the person on a date, the date location, the date activities, the expectations on the first date, wardrobe, hair, etc. But the good news is that, chances are, if the person that you are chatting up at Starbucks is single, then most likely they are looking for a date. Now, there are some that disagree that being single equals being interested in a relationship. Their argument might be based on the idea of being independent or the importance of the time to get to know one’s self intimately, and of course those things are crucial. But people naturally like other people, and even more so people like being romantically involved with other people. It’s a fact of nature, if you will. So, knowing that the chances are in your favor for your single acquaintance to be an interested single acquaintance puts the ball in your court to decide on a move--in other words, it is decision time. And the first and foremost decision to make is to relax.